Serving God or Money? Ramblings

Am upset with myself over some things in my life that really need God's correction, and I guess one of them is the tendency to drink too much and do stupid, stupid things afterwards! I always think I am free to drink, but give me a little bit of freedom and I tend to drink more than what I am supposed to, I think. And after that I do crazy drunken things that I half-regret and half-want to do again in the light of day.

The Bible says, "You cannot serve both God and money". I don't think money means simply a means of acquiring possessions. I think money means everything that is temporarily fulfilling, every pleasure that is ephemeral. Deep in my secret heart I don't think that my one and only desire is to know God and to serve Him more, as it should be. Deep in my secret heart, I just want to feel loved by the people around me, and perhaps deeper in my secret heart I want things that cannot be typed out, cannot be expressed for shame and fear. And perhaps even in my unconscious the things I think about and the things I desire are not the things of God.

How can I be half-hearted in serving Him? It's either all or nothing, like the all-or-nothing signals to the synapses of the nerves (lame biological joke). And do I choose Him, or do I choose earthy desires and pleasures? Time and time again this question has surfaced in my life, and much more often in Leeds than back in Singapore. And each time after months of struggle I have chosen Him, so why has this question come back again?

I also need to settle the Singsoc finances, fast. It worries me to think of how much responsibility lies on my shoulders, and that I can shirk it or fulfill it, whenever.

I feel the need to make a joke to maintain readership, but somehow I don't feel very jokey.