Killer of Snails

I killed a little snail yesterday. I was ambling around the area near my house when I heard a sudden loud crack. Lifted my foot in horror and saw a splotch of slime and fragments of shell on the ground. It was completely and utterly squished beyond recognition. What made me feel even worse was the other snail that I saw beside it rooted speechless on the ground. I felt as though I had killed his soulmate. Urgh!! I suppose it can't be helped, but it's pretty gross to think of how gruesome a death the snail died. It was a life after all, even though it was just a tiny snail one. And now it's been snuffed out forever.

I sometimes get all these strange chills down my back when I realise the significance of life; you have only one chance at it, and once it's gone it's gone, period. No more second chances, no more trying again, no going back to correct failed decisions. (Blogging shall now become very unclear because housemates are now playing very distracting Pro-Evo in Housemate Above's room after watching Derrin Brown, who is immensely creepy).

Since seven I've had these sudden epiphanies where I'm actually conscious of my hands moving, the breath entering my nostrils, my eyes looking out at myself in the mirror, and the fact that when I move, this image that is me seems to move in the mirror as well. I always know this in my subconscious, but there are moments where I'm actually conscious of the fact that I am me; that I am living and breathing and moving and that I exist. Do you know what I mean? I'm wearing myself out trying to explain it. Have you ever felt that way before? I've had these sudden flashes off and on, usually when I'm looking in the mirror. Do you think they're those kind of moments when you become conscious of your soul?

I also have these moments when I wonder how it was that I had come to exist. I don't really wonder about after I die, because I think I will still continue existing, but it's the "before my existence" part that bothers me. How could I have suddenly come into existence just because of the combination of a little wriggly tadpole and a small slimy egg? Something physical happened that day on the 16th of June (hint hint hint hint) but something spiritual also happened, I think. It wasn't just the creation of my physical body which took place that day, but it was the creation of me. My personality, my quirks, my flaws, my follibles, my insane hyena laughter... all came into being when that something physical happened, in a miraculous way I can't comprehend.

How come before I existed I was nothing, but in that moment I became something? How could I have been nothing before I was born, and then suddenly I was? What was I before I was born? Nothing. How could that have been possible?

Housemate Above: "Ruth, you are weird."

Esoteric and confusing entry shall end here...