Cosi Fan Tutte

I've been feeling a little cranky lately. Nothing serious, but I hope that the mood swings will go away soon. Cosi Fan Tutte, but I would like to be an extraordinary woman.

The crocuses are out and some of the daffodils are out. And tonight while walking home en route from Parkinson's steps to the library the sky was glittering with stars. It was such a clear night and so beautiful. Perhaps I've been feeling discontent in my heart recently. But just looking up at the stars I think to myself, if God really does have a plan for my life then it's enough to just do my best and trust Him, and there's really nothing to get upset or worried about; all things small and big are in His hands. Even though I feel I am so imperfect sometimes, I have just to leave myself in His hands...

Last Friday I went to Fruity again, and the tallest and hunkiest guy (I thought) in there was somewhere near me. We smiled at each other a few times, and he came up and said, "I never thought I would say this, but you must be the most attractive girl here."

I knew it was a line. I really knew it but how needy a human being can be sometimes. I didn't believe what he said, and yet I wanted to. Said thank you and we danced a little together. But I didn't like that we hadn't said more than 10 words to each other, I didn't like that he knew nothing of the sort of person I was and I didn't know anything about him except that he was studying aviation and his good looks. And I didn't like the way he was smiling, and I didn't like many things about the situation I was in.

And I said, "I'm sorry but I have to go to the loo" and went out and gathered my thoughts for a bit, and came back in when everyone decided to leave.

So nothing happened and that was good. There was a time sometime ago when I wouldn't have had the will or strength to walk away, I think, but somehow I just couldn't continue dancing with him then. Something just made me walk away, but walking away was painful too. I can't explain it. It's like doing what you know is best for yourself even though you don't enjoy it, like how I eat a banana everyday for my digestion even though I don't like it.

There isn't any black-and-white about the situation. It's perfectly clear. You go out to clubs and enjoy the music, and whatever guys come up to you, well, you know that it's perfectly clear that it's all based on superficial attraction. Unless you can carry on a proper conversation with them, I seriously see no good that can come out of these kinds of situations...

And the only thing that can help you to walk away is knowing that God has something far, far better. Even if the "better" turns out to be harder, longer, even if it's something you have to wait for, cry about, trust Him for, give up, leave behind. No turning back, no compromise, no idolising; but obedience, trust, and surrender.