Contemplation
Have been in a bit of a mood recently, and as a result haven't been doing much, mostly sleeping or reading in my room on my own, coming down to meet people for dinner and waking up to answer the phone when it rings and then falling asleep again. It's quite funny cos when I wake up in the morning and check my mobile, I'd have apparently received calls last night which I hadn't any more memory of in the morning. (feel free to correct my grammar)
Maybe it's just that time of the year when it's getting warmer and the sun is rising earlier and everything seems so light and you know you should be happy but you're not working hard enough, you're not investing enough time into the long term, building up your personality; when you know you're spending more time in front of the mirror than reading your bible, when you spend more time sleeping than calling other people up, when you feel that there are so many people you have neglected in your life, when you feel that your friendship hasn't been given freely, when you feel discouraged because the more time you spend serving in church, the more you start comparing yourself with others and how the more honest you can be about yourself in front of people who aren't Christians.
I sin every day. Big sins, small sins, sins of neglect, sins of speech, sins of hypocrisy, breaking my promises. And I really know that sin is a leprosy the eats away at the soul, that isolates you from other people, that leaves you feeling so heavy-hearted. But time and time again asking for forgiveness the 1000th time when you have renounced and resolved and prayed again and again is a discouragement.
I remember reading recently in the Bible about the sacrifices for a man who'd slept with slave woman. He had to kill a ram as a guilt offering, and it said that his sin would be forgiven after that (Leviticus 19:20 -22). At this I just stopped short and thought, how could a ram be enough to forgive such guilt? A sin which affected not only his life but her own, a sin which was private and secret, which was deliberate, which they could have stopped at any moment but just spiralled out of control for both of them.
And if His Son was made a sacrifice for me, once and for all, and all I have to do is just ask for forgiveness and turn back, it seems too easy, it seems too cheap, knowing that one day I might just do the same thing again...
And yet someone said that everyday we'd go out into the sun and allow the sun to shine on us, without thinking about whether we deserved it or not. And if I can accept so many things freely, like the air that I breathe and the water I drink and the sunshine and the beauty all around me, can I not accept forgiveness freely too?
I'm going to watch The Passion tonight... have quite a sense of expectancy. Help me to know deep inside me how much it means to You when I sin. Help me to know deep inside me that it was taken away once and for all when You sacrificed Yourself on the Cross...
Maybe it's just that time of the year when it's getting warmer and the sun is rising earlier and everything seems so light and you know you should be happy but you're not working hard enough, you're not investing enough time into the long term, building up your personality; when you know you're spending more time in front of the mirror than reading your bible, when you spend more time sleeping than calling other people up, when you feel that there are so many people you have neglected in your life, when you feel that your friendship hasn't been given freely, when you feel discouraged because the more time you spend serving in church, the more you start comparing yourself with others and how the more honest you can be about yourself in front of people who aren't Christians.
I sin every day. Big sins, small sins, sins of neglect, sins of speech, sins of hypocrisy, breaking my promises. And I really know that sin is a leprosy the eats away at the soul, that isolates you from other people, that leaves you feeling so heavy-hearted. But time and time again asking for forgiveness the 1000th time when you have renounced and resolved and prayed again and again is a discouragement.
I remember reading recently in the Bible about the sacrifices for a man who'd slept with slave woman. He had to kill a ram as a guilt offering, and it said that his sin would be forgiven after that (Leviticus 19:20 -22). At this I just stopped short and thought, how could a ram be enough to forgive such guilt? A sin which affected not only his life but her own, a sin which was private and secret, which was deliberate, which they could have stopped at any moment but just spiralled out of control for both of them.
And if His Son was made a sacrifice for me, once and for all, and all I have to do is just ask for forgiveness and turn back, it seems too easy, it seems too cheap, knowing that one day I might just do the same thing again...
And yet someone said that everyday we'd go out into the sun and allow the sun to shine on us, without thinking about whether we deserved it or not. And if I can accept so many things freely, like the air that I breathe and the water I drink and the sunshine and the beauty all around me, can I not accept forgiveness freely too?
I'm going to watch The Passion tonight... have quite a sense of expectancy. Help me to know deep inside me how much it means to You when I sin. Help me to know deep inside me that it was taken away once and for all when You sacrificed Yourself on the Cross...
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