Memories

While checking through my old blog, which I do once in a while, I found a new entry on my tagboard.

Memories of the days not so long ago when I was young and foolish came flooding back with that little tag. Being called beautiful, cute and desirable for the first time in my life got to my head a little and in that period of time I changed from a sweet pastor's daughter to a confused and rebellious kid who didn't know what I was doing or what I wanted out of life. I thought that I was happy, but in fact was ignoring my closest friends and the people closest to me. Those memories remained bittersweet for a time, but as a few months went by they stopped being sweet and remained merely bitter.

Vincent once said, "Women usually have lower self esteem than men." I think it's very true, and it's especially true in my case.

Whenever someone tells me that I'm beautiful or that I'm cute, it's as though a hole opens up in myself or in my soul and I have this desperate longing for more affirmation, like a drug I can't get more of. And even though I know I shouldn't, the need for approval and liking leaves me vulnerable to all sorts of things.

I hope that I've learnt from my experiences, and that I won't do the same things again!