And we Hope for What we do not Have

You know the feeling you get when you walk down a flight of steps in total darkness, and you walk forward really gingerly at the landing, because you don't know whether the steps continue down or not, and you put your foot forward expecting a step down but you meet level ground? In that instant your body doesn't really seem to belong to you, and you feel as though it's not you walking, but someone else.

I felt that way in Blackpool. It wasn't I who exclaimed in wonder at the Illuminations, who giggled at the really sleazy tableau showing dancers in bikinis made of lights, where the lights shifted up and down giving the impression that their boobs were jiggling, it wasn't I who ran in the pouring rain arm in arm with Katie under a huge umbrella and getting my green pumps all soaked. It wasn't I who'd eaten fish and chips in a Thai chip shop and looked at the waves breaking cold along Pleasure Beach, it wasn't I who'd laughed at the sign outside a bar saying "Sinless Laptop dancing", it wasn't I who'd tried treacle and rock and parki and barm cake for the first time. It wasn't I who'd squealed with fear when Katie said, "Do you know who we are Ruth?" (a very scary question!) and "We're the lost children." (An even scarier answer!) It wasn't I who'd sat in a car with Katie with a map drawn out by her dad, giving her jumbled instructions to Pleasure Beach; singing along to Keane -

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Well I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Well I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say

That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk

No one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now

And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one

The motion keeps my heart running

I'm afraid that when I go back to Singapore, my time in England will seem like a dream, and memories so real now will turn out to be figments of my lonely imagination I can't rid myself of on waking.

This morning we drove around Horwich along winding roads through fields dotted with comical sheep and placid horses, and "Somewhere over the Rainbow" - the Israel Kamawaiwo'ole version, fitted the blue skies and autumn trees moving ever so slightly in the breeze and the lake glistening in the sunlight, so well. There's a slight melancholy to it; like you're so happy you're almost sad, or you're so sad you're almost happy. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. And hope, and songs about rainbows, are always slightly sad because if you hope for something, you don't yet have it and perhaps that means you're empty inside...

and a rainbow was curving gently over horwich as we drove back and its colours were fading into the sky sleepily

where trouble melts like lemon drops