Prayer

In the midst of busyness, there are so many people I want to talk to
So many people who come and go in the course of the day
Or people I bump into online and see that I hesitate to say hi to
Friends tell me things I can't respond to
Only saying, "Pray and believe"
How can I continue to have the faith
That positive changes will occur
That I will draw close to Him
And continue to serve

Let me be a Mary
Content to sit at your feet
Let me not like Martha rush around
And forget to worship
Let me undo the pride of my heart
And bow down and anoint Your feet
Let me be a Mary,
Let me be undone
before you.

When things are overwhelming and I know she needs encouragement
When things are overtaking me and I know he needs my prayers
What do I do? And how can I respond?
It's not about my weakness Lord
But it's about Your strength

Let me be a Mary
content to sit at your feet
Who found forgiveness for myraid wrongs
And gave her heart in return
Let me worship you in brokenness
Just dependent on your grace,
and let me be like Mary, Lord.

A Ragged Booklet

Spent all day in the library today trying to get the NEEC equipping booklet done and after many hours of hard work ended up with a ragged looking thing which wasn't aligned or printable. Then quite by chance Susana came in and I found out that the way to get a booklet done was by using the CorelDraw programme, not by dividing a landscape Microsoft Word document into two columns! So much for not keeping up with technology! Ah well. At least being on MSN the whole day allowed me to catch up with old friends and provided a welcome distraction (although I was good, I left my status on Busy).

So am going to slog away at it tonight, hopefully with Susana's help, until I end up with something that looks slightly professional at least.

I wanted to write alot more in here, but somehow feel a little dazed from staring away at the computer for so many hours. So am going to wander down to Morrisons where I shall get cereal and milk (full cream! mmm) and chicken breast and mixed vegetables, which shall be my *healthy* fare for a month. Hopefully, I will lose lots of weight and become thin like the impossible people you see in fashion magazines.

Will write more soon.

Sleepy Talk

Thinking back over the past week I remember some funny incidents on Monday and Tuesday when Katie came over to stay because of her essays. I would go to bed early and leave the lights on while Katie typed away at her laptop.

One night as part of one of our myraid "study breaks" I ordered Milano's hot pollo with extra funghi and jalepenos pizza and we polished off 6 slices altogether in the dead of the night. Then Katie showed me how her phone could walk, and we both discovered that my phone could dance...an amazing discovery which had us both in stitches of laughter. I am quite sure it's the first time anyone in Leeds made that discovery ever.

After that I went to bed and Katie stayed up working at her essay and the next morning I was presented with a piece of paper entitled "Ruthie's sleepy talk".

Ruthie: I can't stop... I'm addicted.
KT: To what?
Ruthie: Friends
KT: The show?
Ruthie: Yeahh.. *mumble*

Haha...

Two are better than one, especially when it comes to writing down sleepy talk.

Contemplation

Have been in a bit of a mood recently, and as a result haven't been doing much, mostly sleeping or reading in my room on my own, coming down to meet people for dinner and waking up to answer the phone when it rings and then falling asleep again. It's quite funny cos when I wake up in the morning and check my mobile, I'd have apparently received calls last night which I hadn't any more memory of in the morning. (feel free to correct my grammar)

Maybe it's just that time of the year when it's getting warmer and the sun is rising earlier and everything seems so light and you know you should be happy but you're not working hard enough, you're not investing enough time into the long term, building up your personality; when you know you're spending more time in front of the mirror than reading your bible, when you spend more time sleeping than calling other people up, when you feel that there are so many people you have neglected in your life, when you feel that your friendship hasn't been given freely, when you feel discouraged because the more time you spend serving in church, the more you start comparing yourself with others and how the more honest you can be about yourself in front of people who aren't Christians.

I sin every day. Big sins, small sins, sins of neglect, sins of speech, sins of hypocrisy, breaking my promises. And I really know that sin is a leprosy the eats away at the soul, that isolates you from other people, that leaves you feeling so heavy-hearted. But time and time again asking for forgiveness the 1000th time when you have renounced and resolved and prayed again and again is a discouragement.

I remember reading recently in the Bible about the sacrifices for a man who'd slept with slave woman. He had to kill a ram as a guilt offering, and it said that his sin would be forgiven after that (Leviticus 19:20 -22). At this I just stopped short and thought, how could a ram be enough to forgive such guilt? A sin which affected not only his life but her own, a sin which was private and secret, which was deliberate, which they could have stopped at any moment but just spiralled out of control for both of them.

And if His Son was made a sacrifice for me, once and for all, and all I have to do is just ask for forgiveness and turn back, it seems too easy, it seems too cheap, knowing that one day I might just do the same thing again...

And yet someone said that everyday we'd go out into the sun and allow the sun to shine on us, without thinking about whether we deserved it or not. And if I can accept so many things freely, like the air that I breathe and the water I drink and the sunshine and the beauty all around me, can I not accept forgiveness freely too?

I'm going to watch The Passion tonight... have quite a sense of expectancy. Help me to know deep inside me how much it means to You when I sin. Help me to know deep inside me that it was taken away once and for all when You sacrificed Yourself on the Cross...

Contentment

It's just when things in your life are going so well, when you seem to be keeping busy, when everything seems fulfilling, that you have to be even more careful, to cut out the unecessary from your life, to strive for excellence, to keep seeking out the company of people important to you, not to be too busy or caught up in your work to have time for people.

To find the time to laugh, to share, to spend time together even in silence or working together, enriching each other's lives.

To treasure every phone call, every snatched, hurried MSN conversation.

At times like these you realise that the person is more important than productivity, that principles behind doing things are more important than the problems, that progress is more important than programs (Wee Leon's words). You realise that behind everything you are doing, there has to be growth and change. You cannot stay stagnant.

Contentment is a great thing, but I am always slightly wary of it because I tend to sit back and think that there's nothing else to do. And there's so so much to do, so many people around, no time to waste. Make every second count, because there's never going to be another like it ever again.

Comfort Zones

Remember sometime ago I was posting about comfort zones and risk zones and doing things outside your comfort zone until your comfort zone enlarges and your risk zone becomes smaller? I've had a good few days because I've been trying to do things that lie way outside my comfort zone and as a result I've realised that with God's help nothing is impossible and the thrill of knowing that you are doing something you aren't capable of without Him, is quite an experience.

On Friday the Charles Morris cell group people, some of them, decided to do something to raise money for Red Nose Day. Everyone was supposed to dress up as a superhero and go "busking" - stand stock-still until someone dropped money in your cup and then do some superhero-y thing. But although they were really enthusiastic about the idea when it was first put forward, they dropped out one by one until there were only a few of us left: Susana, Nick, Ed, and *me*. Nick looked a little like Neo from The Matrix and had a Matrix-y coat (you can see the quality of my English is deteriorating) so it was decided he would go as Neo. Ed looked like the Incredible Hulk and me and Susana... didn't know what to go as.

Nick and Ed seemed like quiet and serious people, and Susana and I can be crazy at times but we didn't know Nick and Ed well enough to be crazy with. Ed was half-hearted and I feared that he would pull out. I had my doubts about everything but prayed that it would be ok. When the day came I woke up early and tried to piece a costume together. In the end Susana and I went as "Trinities" dressed all in black.

To be honest I was half-hearted about dressing up because I didn't know how everyone would be looking like, whether they'd be putting in effort into their costumes. Reached Parkinson's early and had a horrible pounding feeling in my heart, and was thinking to myself, "I don't want to do this, this is waaay out of my comfort zone." Hid in Parkinson's building, uncomfortable with the all-black look, until Nick called. Ring ring. Went out to see

Nick and Ed in long cassocks and sunglasses looking SO cool and SO much like Neos and I just exclaimed aloud in surprise! I never expected them to be so sporting! In the end they staged mock fights at Parkinson's steps and Susana and I went around with Red Nose boxes asking people for donations and everyone raised £22.60 in an hour. It was really unbelievable and I didn't expect that I would have enjoyed myself so much!

So doing things outside your comfort zone is so rewarding because when they turn out well you're always surprised... and glad. And you always feel such a sense of God's grace.

Did something else out of my comfort zone today. We went to a Sticks and Stones poetry gathering at Strawberry Fields today but it was slightly different. Compelled by my conscience, I compiled a poem about Singlish in Singlish from bits of poems and jokes I found off the internet (apologies all copywrited material people). As such I don't think I really wrote it, just kind of shaped it. The main part is from a poem by Cornelius Pang, and I put bits of jokes I remembered about Singlish saying things much more succintly than English in it, and the end result was this:

Wah! I hear now that we got big debate.
They said future of proper English is at the stake.
All because this stupid Singlish oready spoil the market.
And if we want to change donno whether it's too late.

Aiyoh! Ang moh hear us talk like this will also want to faint
Even our Uni graduates speak like street Ah Bengs.
Singlish is like rojak, everything throw inside and mix
Got Malay, Chinese, Tamil, English and Hokkein just for kicks.

You want some exampurs? I can give you lor.
Prepare yourself for some assaulting on your eardrums hor.

Aiyah...
In England when they do not have your sizes anymore
They say, "I'm sorry, we don't have this in the store"
In Singapore they would just say, "Solly lah no stock!"

In England when you return a call you say "Hello, who's there?
Did someone call for me before when I was doing my hair?"
In Singapore they would just say, "Ello, who call eh?"

In England when turning someone down they say "I'd prefer not
To do that, sir, if you don't mind. It's a load of tommyrot."
Whereas in Singpaore it would just be "Dowan, lor!"

When asking someone to go out with you you would carefully
Choose your words and say, "Would you go out with me?"
But Singaporeans would concisely say, "Be my steady."

Aiyah, if you write like that exam sure fail liao
The teacher mark your paper will also be kee siao
Basically Singlish got good and got bad.
Actually hor everything in life is like that.

Other people say we all got no culture.
We only got alot of joint business venture.
So we got no culture to glue us together.
End up, we like a big bunch of feathers.

Wind blow abit too strong only we fly away.
Everybody all go their own separate ways.
When other countries' influences all enter,
We sure kena affected, left right and centre.

So what we are we donno, we still very blur
We think in English, speak in Singlish, spell like British - hurh...
We donno what our culture is, because we got alot
Malay and Chinese, Ang Mor and Indian in one melting pot.

So got this kind of problem, like that then aiyah, how?
Either sit and wait or can do something now.
But actually we all got one "culture" in our Singlish.
It is like fried rice lor, it is our common dish.

Maybe this culture is not the best one around.
But we have to tahan until a better one is found.
Not all the time you can marry the best man.
If you got no prawns, bo pian fish also can.

I donno whether you agree with me or not?
I just simply sharing with you my thoughts.
Singlish is just like the little garden weeds
That you pull and pull like crazy and they still refuse to quit.
Aiyah,
Sure got some people like and some do not like,
But Singlish, and English, will still live side by side.

The only thing I feel bad about is that I didn't say that it was compiled off the Internet, so people thought it was all my own work and when they came up to say well done after that, I didn't say that it was mostly from the Internet! So... sorry Cornelius Pang, all the credit should go to you - you are brilliant.

I was surprised that people were laughing and that people actually understood it, and people were so amused at everything... they laughed when I said that I came from Singapore, the land where chewing gum is illegal - and cheered - they laughed at the posh accent bits where English is contrasted with Singlish - they laughed at almost every funny bit and I was too surprised to be as nervous as I was before that.

Thinking back I remember thinking that I'd never have the chance to stand in a smokey pub full of English people and read out poetry about my country and the bane of my country again, ever, in my whole life. And I'd never see most of the people there again. So it didn't really matter, did it, doing something I was uncomfortable about doing and that I'd never done before. Because the worst that could happen was failing - but a few months later people would forget exactly what it was you'd messed up anyway.

So people came up after that and said it was good, and as we were leaving this guy came and gushed in quite a girly way, and I was surprised, and pleased, and thankful.

So I have learnt that things aren't ever as bad as they seem, and doing something for the first time can turn out to be extremely surprising and rewarding.

Library-ing

When going out of the library the other day, I saw someone apparently going to walk into the library through the door, so I stood aside to let him pass first. No-one came in, though, and I saw him stand still too. Peeked behind me and realised that the person was behind me and that I was looking at his reflection in the door instead of him. With a little "oh" I hurried through the door in mild surprise.

Am in the library again now, trying to usher in the start of another busy week in the true spirit of hard work.

To Finish Well

These few days have been tiring, moody days. It seems like the old me is surfacing again - the old me that sits on a side and observes everything going on, the me that can't be bothered about anyone else but myself, the me that judges and condemns what I do and what everyone else does. The me that sometimes can't see the point or results of what I'm doing anymore, and these are tiring, tiring days. The only thing that I can cling on to is that God accepts me just as I am. I don't have to look for anyone's approval because He is for me and not against me. The accusing thoughts I hear aren't from Him - they're from the accuser of the brethren. Still, it's a huge struggle not to believe these thoughts and to just accept that I have worth in His eyes.

Sometimes it feels like I'm going through a series of hills and valleys. I don't want to tell myself that life should always be easy, that we should have no struggles, that we should always be perfect. That we shouldn't confide in other people because we don't want to complain. But I am thankful for valleys, even though they may only be hormonal monthly valleys, because I can rely more on Him. Because I pray more. Because when He answers, I know that I haven't done anything, I can't do anything, it is all His doing.

Sometimes it feels as though I'm in a hopeless situation, and I'm struggling to keep my neck above water. But you know that in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. I want to be more than a conqueror, and I am glad, glad glad for challenges that bring me out of my comfort zone. When the waves threaten to overwhelm me, there is a secret place that I can always run to.

I pray that I will always look to Him above anyone else human. For no-one else accepts me just as I am, or loves me just the way He does. As Easter approaches I want to remember... to remember each stripe He took on His back, to remember all He did for me... to look back on my life and remember how He brought me thus far... and to have the faith that I will not only start well, but finish well.

Custard

“Atop this ensemble sits the brain. Its weight is one pound, its consistency that of thick custard, and its fine structure the most complicated machinery ever produced on earth.”1

Yes, it is amazing, but I don’t think I will ever be able to eat custard with a clear conscience again *eww*.

My day started in quite a funny manner today. Last night, (knowing my tendency to procrastinate and to laze around and sleep through my alarm clock), I prayed, as I have done several times, “Lord, please wake me up early tomorrow so that I can spend time with you.” It’s always worked for me… so I thought I would make it a nightly prayer.

This morning my alarm went at half-past seven and I actually woke up. Usually I sleep through it until 9 or 10. But I opened my eyes, switched off the alarm clock, and thought I’d just roll over and lie there for another half-hour. Was almost falling asleep again when I was startled awake by this awful loud clanging and realised it was a fire drill. So I was forced to put on a jumper and go downstairs and hop around in the cold morning air which woke me up thoroughly.

After that I did go back and talk to Him. But part of me was pretty amused that He thought it would take a fire alarm to get me out of bed in the early morning.

So I started the day in a giggly mood and when I read that about the brain having the consistency of custard I just knew that it would be a quirky interesting delightful day today. What a peculiar, remarkable, funny world it is.

1E.O. Wilson: "On Human Nature" - my dissertation primary source

Pink Skies

Today while walking back from the auditions for the MASSOC ball Sunny and I exclaimed in wonder at the sky. It was blue with fluffy pink clouds just as though God had splashed a paintbrush coated with pink randomly across the sky. And they say pink is the in colour now. He sure knows what He's doing.

So we got our mobile phones out and clicked away at the sky, trying desperately to capture the wonderful riot of colour, but all we got was a tiny square of faded salmon and blue on our phones, not the vivid blue and pink of the sky, and a black little tree on a black little hill instead of the sorrowful, knarled branches of the tree still bare, still hopeful, still waiting, on a hill already vibrant with nodding daffodils.

"The actual thing looks so much better than in photographs," said Sunny in Chinese.

"The eyes are the best cameras," said I.

Thoughts

We watched Hotel Rwanda yesterday and it was amazing. This tells the story of the guy who inspired it all - Paul Rusesabagina. He sheltered 1268 refugees, fleeing from the genocide in Kigali, Rwanda, in his hotel, and ingeniously found ways to keep them from being slaughtered by the angry rebels who turned up everyday.

Paul had such courage, and I could never, ever imagine myself put in his position.

One of the songs had a heartwrenching excerpt of a song sung by African children:

Ni dyar'izuba, Rizagaruka,
Hejuru yacu, Ni nduzaricyeza riceza
Ni dyar'izuba, Rizagaruka,
Hejuru yacu, Ni nduzaricyeza.
(When will the sun return above us?
Who will reveal it again to us?)

This movie also set me thinking about how much is going on in the world that I don't know about, don't care about, don't pray about. During the crisis in Rwanda, over a million people died but the UN didn't intervene. One of the cameramen in Hotel Rwanda said, "If people see this footage, they will go, 'Oh God, that's horrible' and go back to eating their dinner." And I realised that I need to become more well-informed about the world out there, and try to make a difference.

Right now, genocide is taking place in the Sudan..read about it here and here. Besides signing petitions, and donating money, we can all pray. And we must pray, for prayer is the only hope we have in our positions, sometimes.

The Question

Are you my Father? Do you love me?
Do you hold my life so tenderly in your hands?
They say you think of me a thousand times and more
each day, more than the grains of sand...

Are you my Comforter? Do you give strength?
Do you weep beside me when I fall?
Do you see my agony
Do you see my every need,
Do you rush to embrace me when I call?

Am I asking silly questions, Father
Should I really be asking if you're Lord?
For what good does it do
to run around serving you
If I don't ask myself, "Are you Lord?"
Are you Lord of my life?

So are you Lord of my life,
Do you hold my future plans
Are you Lord of my heart,
Do you hold my thoughts and dreams,
are you Lord of every friendship I hold dear to me?
are you Lord, would I run from all else to follow you?

Are you Lord of my life,
and the Lord of my desires,
Does my soul thirst for you
like a weary, hungry man,
are you Lord, are you God of everything?

You ran into the garden
at the cool of the day
calling out to their hearts
as they hid from you
you ran with arms open wide
as your wilful son came back
and you wept
and you wept

Are you Lord of my life? Have I given all to you,
given all, all my moods and my tears
when the world seems to spin
without meaning, without joy
are you Lord, are you Lord, of my life?

Elections... and Campaigns

Election time for the new LUU committee is just around the corner and I have been seeing some strange signs in the toilet lately.

"Roses are red, if you feel blue,
vote Sam #1
and I'll be there for you.
Increase intensity of campains in female and male concerns."

"'For Societies Best Vote John Schless' (SCHLESS IS MORE!)"

I think I'd rather vote Schless than have an increased intensity of female campains...

Statistics and Prayer...

Today we had quite an interesting lecture about ecological economics and the lecturer was telling us about how economics is basically the cycle of wealth which is spent on things that apparently make us happy. He then deviated abit and showed us some happiness indices. Sex was rated the highest happiness giver, with a happiness index of 4.7, while prayer was further down the list with a happiness index of 3.8. A little puzzled, I was chewing my pencil and thinking about it and absentmindedly highlighted "sex" and "prayer" before I realised what I'd done, then thinking what a weirdo I'd probably seem to the people beside me I quickly highlighted everything else (exercise, dinner, relaxing, socialising after work, etc).

Apparently, the second highest happiness giving activity is "socialising after work", and the third highest happiness giving activity is "dinner". I found it so funny. After doing statistics in my first year and having to work on our project for school attachment last year where we investigated the factors behind the motivations of schoolchildren and how to make them more motivated, I now know that statistics can barely be trusted at all. To put it simply, in layman's terms, there are just so many things that can go wrong.

One of the survey questions on our project last year was, "What motivates you most?" and the kids were given different options to tick, like "parents", "competition", "religion", "goals", etc. As a joke, we decided to put "motivational posters" in as an option because there were so many of them all over the school (this was a school where kids weren't that good academically). We took these options, and using some mathematical methods *blur old me* came up with, corrrelated these factors to their results. In the end, we found the strongest positive correlation between motivational posters and results! We were dumbfounded and disguised that in our report; I think we skipped over it quickly in the presentation or made up some statistics!

That's why I don't quite trust statistics, among many other reasons.

So the lecture today seemed really funny. Prayer ranked high on the list, but below dinner, relaxing, and lunch, (but still way above work and the morning commute)!

I guess this shows that prayer is really something we don't do naturally. But this means that all the more we have to put in effort until we cannot tear ourselves away from Him. For "Abide in Me" was a command, not an option. And to obey it requires discipline.

We were made spiritual beings, but we're more sensitive to the physical now because of sin. That's why we're so conscious of physical things - we are enslaved to our bodies and controlled by physical needs and desires.

But the spiritual awakened when you were born again. To allow it to continue to grow the spiritual has to be fed with spiritual things. And when the spirit man has been fed, again and again, he will know that His love "is better than wine", that he would "not be drunk on wine, but be filled with the Spirit", and to set his heart on heavenly things. For the things that are seen will pass away, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Warning: Extremely Frivolous

We went to Strawberry Fields yesterday, for another "Sticks and Stones" gathering, where people do poetry reading in the bar upstairs into a microphone and everyone else gazes at them rapt in awe. After that, we went to the Fab Cafe for a drink and Space Raiders, and then to Bar Phono to meet up with some of our coursemates from Philosophy last year and chatted (or rather yelled) the night away.

I had a good night and might be reading out poetry in Singlish at the next Sticks and Stones; because I figure I'll never see most of these people again, so it won't matter if I embarrass myself and because it's good to do things out of your comfort zone anyway. And also because Andy has been asking me to do it (whether as a joke or seriously, I don't know :oP ), and I would feel "guilt-aeh" if I didn't try at least once.

On the subject of guilt, I did something so funny and silly today. I went for 20 minutes of the AGM in the refectory today, but not because I was that concerned about what goes on in my university. I went with a friend I bumped into at the library, who wanted to go check out Tom, one of the officers in the executive committee, because she had seen his picture on the internet! Although I didn't go for Tom's sake, my motive wasn't entirely pure as well because I wanted to see *ahem* Seb, who is much much cuter and taller than he looks in that picture. When I used to have to do things for Singsoc I would always look forward to going to the Union to find him, and we also went to get free personal alarms from the union because he was there (and also because Leeds is a dangerous place).

Anyway, we got to see both our guys and listen to the consitutional changes that were being made and hear motions postponed and catch up on what was going on in our university so it was all good.

Well... this is the kind of frivolity I have been amusing myself with these days, and I'd better get back to hitting the books.