Thoughts... Looking Back
I think I should write about what has happened in my life over this past year, and I hope that as you read this that you may find some parallels in your own experiences and journey.
Last year was a very hard one for me because of Singsoc and because I gradually lost direction in life. I felt as though I wasn't giving my best to Singsoc, and I was running around like a little ant doing nothing, basically, helping to organise trips and dinners and activities where people would just go out, enjoy themselves, get drunk, mess around. We had to organise parties and we all had to go, and to seem like a part of everyone I was the wildest dancer there, the one who knew everyone, the one in the middle of everything.
In the midst of it all things happened which really shook my world and the storms came in, someone I'd thought outstanding since I first met him showed he had feelings for me, and we almost got into a relationship which was thankfully prevented. He was not a Christian. However, it seemed as though a new side of me was opened to the world around me, and I realised that things weren't as bright and rosy as I always thought they were. I realised that even though I'd been a Christian all these years, the pull in me to do the things that everyone else was doing was very strong.
I became more thoughtful and tried to explain Christianity logically to my friends and to him, and I remember telling Haoern before that some people were too intellectual to accept that Christ was the way in their hearts, and that you had to convince them of Christianity philosophically first. The fact that I was taking philosophy then made me even more cocksure and I always thought that I had all the answers even though my life was quite a mess.
Because of that relationship which had been prevented, I sunk into depression and stopped going to church for a while. I felt as though the people in church wouldn't understand what I was going through. I felt that the people in church were too otherworldly, too godly to understand, that they wouldn't have the answers for me. I remember praying then and telling God that I still loved him, that I knew that He was there for me, but it was just the people in church that I doubted.
During that period of time, 3 angels were sent to me. One of them was my cell group leader Vincent, who patiently gave me his time, listened to me, and never judged me, gave me space and showed me care and concern, never gave up on me. The other two were Haoern and Florence, who visited me at home, bringing me chocolate. It was such a small thing, the chocolate, and they never said anything about church, they never said "Are you alright?" but they just came and spent time with me, and even though it was such a small thing, that really touched me.
So slowly, and I don't know how it happened, I went back to church, and a little later after that my first friend accepted Christ and became a Christian. God showed that He could still use our lives in the midst of turmoil...
At the beginning of this year when I came back I was still going to parties and of course there were the usual guys and the usual temptations and I was already numb to it all. There were times when I knew I was doing the wrong thing and sinning against God, but I would just push the thought of Him out of my head. After a while, it seemed as though sin was normal, that it was an easy thing, that it didn't matter anymore and it didn't hurt God or hurt myself. I was still going to church every week and serving in church, but I knew that He didn't have my whole heart.
Then we went for an Encounter Weekend in the Yorkshire Dales, where we spent a few days listening to talks on the love of God, the freedom we have as Christians, the kind of gifts God gives to us as Christians, etc. I went with great expectation of having my life changed by God, because I was tired of living my life in defeat and tired of pretending that nothing was wrong when in fact there were so many things wrong.
I remember then surrendering many things to God, especially relationships. I remember then feeling so joyful in His presence, and yet crying my heart out over so many things I'd done that had hurt Him, times that I knew I'd pushed Him away, and yet still being able to feel His presence then. It really touched me that He was still willing to give me a chance.
After that I left feeling fresh and new. It wasn't that I didn't fall into sin anymore. But the desire in me to sin lessened, and I wanted to serve Him more.
Then I started doing many things for Him, bringing my friends to church, and saw two more friends become Christians. I saw miracles around me as their lives were changed.
And then now in the midst of doing so many things, I realise that when God looks at us, He doesn't see the things we do. What can we do but come to Him with empty hands, because He has done it all on the cross for us. How can we think that just because we have met up with someone today, just because we have shared the gospel today, just because we are going to church or just because we are serving Him, that we are more qualified to come to Him than before? Or how can we think that just because we have sinned today, or that we have neglected something we know we should have done, that we cannot come before Him? Because in both cases we approach Him by His grace alone.
How can we think that just by doing many things for Him that we are wonderful Christians? Because in the end, the only thing He asks from you is your heart and your attention.
I realise now when I serve Him, that I do not serve Him to earn His praise. I serve Him because my life is His...
As I look back I realise that everything that has happened in my life is thanks to Him. Thanks to Him, I am no longer a slave to sin. Thanks to Him, I can be joyful everyday and thanks to Him, I have the strength to love where I cannot love, to do what I cannot do.
Thank You : )
Last year was a very hard one for me because of Singsoc and because I gradually lost direction in life. I felt as though I wasn't giving my best to Singsoc, and I was running around like a little ant doing nothing, basically, helping to organise trips and dinners and activities where people would just go out, enjoy themselves, get drunk, mess around. We had to organise parties and we all had to go, and to seem like a part of everyone I was the wildest dancer there, the one who knew everyone, the one in the middle of everything.
In the midst of it all things happened which really shook my world and the storms came in, someone I'd thought outstanding since I first met him showed he had feelings for me, and we almost got into a relationship which was thankfully prevented. He was not a Christian. However, it seemed as though a new side of me was opened to the world around me, and I realised that things weren't as bright and rosy as I always thought they were. I realised that even though I'd been a Christian all these years, the pull in me to do the things that everyone else was doing was very strong.
I became more thoughtful and tried to explain Christianity logically to my friends and to him, and I remember telling Haoern before that some people were too intellectual to accept that Christ was the way in their hearts, and that you had to convince them of Christianity philosophically first. The fact that I was taking philosophy then made me even more cocksure and I always thought that I had all the answers even though my life was quite a mess.
Because of that relationship which had been prevented, I sunk into depression and stopped going to church for a while. I felt as though the people in church wouldn't understand what I was going through. I felt that the people in church were too otherworldly, too godly to understand, that they wouldn't have the answers for me. I remember praying then and telling God that I still loved him, that I knew that He was there for me, but it was just the people in church that I doubted.
During that period of time, 3 angels were sent to me. One of them was my cell group leader Vincent, who patiently gave me his time, listened to me, and never judged me, gave me space and showed me care and concern, never gave up on me. The other two were Haoern and Florence, who visited me at home, bringing me chocolate. It was such a small thing, the chocolate, and they never said anything about church, they never said "Are you alright?" but they just came and spent time with me, and even though it was such a small thing, that really touched me.
So slowly, and I don't know how it happened, I went back to church, and a little later after that my first friend accepted Christ and became a Christian. God showed that He could still use our lives in the midst of turmoil...
At the beginning of this year when I came back I was still going to parties and of course there were the usual guys and the usual temptations and I was already numb to it all. There were times when I knew I was doing the wrong thing and sinning against God, but I would just push the thought of Him out of my head. After a while, it seemed as though sin was normal, that it was an easy thing, that it didn't matter anymore and it didn't hurt God or hurt myself. I was still going to church every week and serving in church, but I knew that He didn't have my whole heart.
Then we went for an Encounter Weekend in the Yorkshire Dales, where we spent a few days listening to talks on the love of God, the freedom we have as Christians, the kind of gifts God gives to us as Christians, etc. I went with great expectation of having my life changed by God, because I was tired of living my life in defeat and tired of pretending that nothing was wrong when in fact there were so many things wrong.
I remember then surrendering many things to God, especially relationships. I remember then feeling so joyful in His presence, and yet crying my heart out over so many things I'd done that had hurt Him, times that I knew I'd pushed Him away, and yet still being able to feel His presence then. It really touched me that He was still willing to give me a chance.
After that I left feeling fresh and new. It wasn't that I didn't fall into sin anymore. But the desire in me to sin lessened, and I wanted to serve Him more.
Then I started doing many things for Him, bringing my friends to church, and saw two more friends become Christians. I saw miracles around me as their lives were changed.
And then now in the midst of doing so many things, I realise that when God looks at us, He doesn't see the things we do. What can we do but come to Him with empty hands, because He has done it all on the cross for us. How can we think that just because we have met up with someone today, just because we have shared the gospel today, just because we are going to church or just because we are serving Him, that we are more qualified to come to Him than before? Or how can we think that just because we have sinned today, or that we have neglected something we know we should have done, that we cannot come before Him? Because in both cases we approach Him by His grace alone.
How can we think that just by doing many things for Him that we are wonderful Christians? Because in the end, the only thing He asks from you is your heart and your attention.
I realise now when I serve Him, that I do not serve Him to earn His praise. I serve Him because my life is His...
As I look back I realise that everything that has happened in my life is thanks to Him. Thanks to Him, I am no longer a slave to sin. Thanks to Him, I can be joyful everyday and thanks to Him, I have the strength to love where I cannot love, to do what I cannot do.
Thank You : )
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