Weakness

Yesterday's paper was very, very bad and I walked out of the hall with tears in my eyes feeling as though I'd thrown away my future. Now the future lies uncertain ahead but all I can do is to do my best for the next paper and learn any lessons that may come my way. If I'm given the chance to do my Masters', I'll try to be more consistent in my work, and if I'm not given the chance to do my Masters', I'll have to accept this too, and trust that He will work for good in all things.

So many friends showed love and concern for me and I can't help but thank God for them. And as I study for this last paper on Friday I'm just going to do my best and sprint towards the goal with endurance. I can't regret past mistakes and I can't change things now. But I can still do my best in all things starting from today onwards.

I've learnt that I'm not perfect. Being a perfectionist at heart, it is difficult to accept myself messing up in any area of my life, but all the more then learning that I'm not perfect, I can experience His grace. I really don't know what is going to lie in the future now, but I know that He is still so real and I know that He is my God through good times and bad. Although I can't feel anything right now, I know that He is real and that He is with me. And He will never leave me nor forsake me and I am just going to believe it with all my mind and heart.

Studying

I hardly did any studying yesterday, even though I woke up very early and was in the library by 9:30. By lunchtime, I was tired out and spent most of my time staring at the grass fields outside the library, so decided to go home and sleep. Slept until about 5 when I woke up with a sense of hopelessness and cried!

But cell group was about the grace of God and even though I do feel as though there's an insurmountable obstacle in front of me (Monday, where I have 6 hours almost in a row), I know that by His grace He will help me to overcome. Whatever the outcome, I just have to do my best for Him given the remaining amount of time.

Am in the library now but still can't do any studying because I'm sat facing Sum, who is a law student from Malaysia living in Charles Morris Hall. He has a very humourous look and a twinkle in his eye that just cracks me up. Everytime I do an example I look up and catch his eye and I can't help giggling uncontrollably, and then I have to go out of the library to recover myself, and when I go back in there he is again and I just can't stop laughing because he's got this puzzled "you are mad" quizzical smile on his face. So I came down to blog it off.

Am going up to try to resume studying again. This is serious business Ruthie!

Of Caving and Other Things

Am on the eighth floor of the Edward Boyle Library, which is the floor under the one with the main entrance (if you know what I mean); i.e. it's the sort of underground floor - at least I always see it as such. On my way to the toilets I passed a sign designating the various places where books were kept, and I saw a sign saying "Caving". I thought how appropriate it was that "Caving" was on the underground floor.

A jumble of biology facts in my brain now sitting in murkiness; now all I need to do is to organise them clearly and pray that they may be indeliably lodged in my brain forever - well, at least until next Monday.

Teach me in this dark period the secret of not being tired, the secret of waiting on You for my strength.

"Bugis"... and thankful.

Today I went for prayer meeting at Parkinson's steps for the first time and although it was short, I really felt then that we were living in what God really wanted for our lives - to meet up every day and pray, to live in community. Hopefully, we'll be able to pray for each other and to share more with each other too. The sense of being in a place where you know you should be at a particular time was very real. I remember once, for want of a word to describe this sense, I called it "Bugis". So I felt "bugised" today.

After that I discovered that I'd missed dinner, but Sunny called me and she'd taken some dinner for me. I am so blessed. Sure, I get stressed out at times and I do get sad about some things that I cry to Him about at night amidst reading Isaiah 53 (melodramatic!). But I can't help feeling that I've always been so blessed by Him, blessed with people who always bless me at the same time. Sometimes, you do feel slightly drained, but always always He is the one who restores your soul and sends people to comfort you and to encourage you. And even though some things in life can be so, so painful you know that you can always run to Him and cling on to the fact that He knows the plans He has for your life, plans to give you hope and a future. He will never give you second best!

Kenny Gan said, "When God doesn't give you something it's not because He doesn't love you. It's because He loves you so much that He knows that if He gives it to you, it will ruin you." That cut like a knife through my heart when I heard it. And since then I've learnt just to be happy with Him, and I'm still learning afresh every day (when things happen and I have to run to Him again and again). I look forward to the end of each day where I can just be myself with Him. Like a little girl.

Thank you, my lovely friends and cell group members... thank you for being there for me, for encouraging me, for loving me. Thank you for the cards and the warmth and the noodles and the listening ears and the phone calls and the century egg porridge and the texts and everything. Through you, I can really feel how much God loves me.

Worms and Daisies and Studying

It's a sunny day and I'm here on the 8th floor of the library looking out at the fields and the daisies and people playing frisbee on the grass in a circle.

On walking to the library yesterday I passed a crow with something dangling in its beak. I looked at it closely and, yes, it was a worm! That was the first time I saw a crow with a worm in its beak in real life! I just stood there and gawped.

Throughout all this hectic studying it's the little things you notice most, like the crows and the daisies and the fading daffodils and the scary people with mind-maps and millions of scrawly notes on the eighth floor of the library.

Better get back to studying.

Little Thought

Again in the library, now using my trusty laptop with its airport card (I bought the airport card because I thought it would enable me to use my laptop in airports) to take advantage of the library's wireless connection.

Went into the library today at 2 because I couldn't wake up in the morning although my alarm was set for 6:30 as usual :oS. Woke up at 9, did my quiet time, and promptly fell back asleep and couldn't drag myself out of bed until 12:30. Think I'm wearing out easily, but it's ok. Good training for time management skills.

Anyway, I went to the library and put my books down on the table and who should I see opposite me but someone with the unmistakable bald-chick look. It was Andy. After that, I had to email Katie and then I went to buy past-year papers and only now am settling down to study.

The past-year papers scare me. Questions aren't repeated and I don't have a clue how to answer them, and the exams are next Monday!

Just clinging on to this verse: "He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." Proverbs 11:25 : )

Friendships

I asked a close friend of mine recently a question that had been asked to me before, "Do you feel that I'm transparent enough?" And he said, "I think you've become less transparent recently..." And I asked him whether it was since I'd become a cell leader, and he said, "Yes, after you became a cell group leader you've become less transparent..."

It's true. There are some things I don't tell people now because I just tell them to God, or there are some things that I don't even think about anymore. Funny things happen in my life and I don't share them with anyone anymore because I want people to respect me, I don't want people to think I'm funny.

We talked about losing the joy of friendship. Perhaps it's been a long time since I've been "in the world", lived with people 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, depending on each other, being real with each other. Maybe it's been some time since I really laughed with someone over something silly, or just enjoyed being friends together, doing normal things together, not pressuring them to accept Christ, not hitting them over the head with the Bible, being concerned about them, just being friends, sharing our lives, talking about deep things for hours on the phone, or just about silly things that wouldn't matter at all.

We used to be good friends and we used to laugh so much over the silliest things, tell each other our secrets, go swimming every week and then hang out and chat and laugh. We would write each other encouraging notes and I would pray for him with tears in the secret of my own room. Now, we're good brothers and sisters, but something has happened to our friendship. We get together and talk about deep spiritual things, but I miss laughing about the silly things. And I miss the sharing times, the reason that I don't share as much with him is because I don't want to complain about my situation. I only want to tell God what's in my heart.

I sometimes feel a little bit confused about friendships now. Whenever I meet up with someone from my cell group, I think that the meeting is going to move something like this - we will make small talk, then they are going to share with me some problem or obstacle, then I will share with them some Bible verses, and then we'll end by praying together. But that's sometimes abit too intentional. Where has the friendship gone, the sharing of little things that make you tick, the finding out about each other, the giving and taking?

My friend said, "I don't know if being intentional is the right 'Christian' thing to do.." And I think now, that it's less of being intentional, than of really sharing your lives with each other... then you don't even have to be intentional, because you know each other so well. And I miss this sharing, I miss this constant fellowship, I miss calling my friends up for nothing at all, just to chat; I miss people calling just to talk... I just miss friendship, the feeling of someone constantly being there for you no matter what, and accepting you no matter what you're like.

We wondered together whether Jesus was friends with his disciples, whether he laughed and did silly things with them. He said they weren't his slaves, but that they were his friends. We wondered whether they were friends with him, whether they teased him.

And I think they probably did. The reason why their lives were changed so much wasn't because he hit the Bible at them 24 hours a day. It was because he shared his life with them and they saw what made him tick, they saw him live his life in front of them, they ate together and shared everything together.

Deep within me, I miss that kind of friendship. I miss knowing a person that well... O... give me back the friendships I have lost...

Change my Heart...

Today I woke up at about 10 feeling very guilty because I'd set my alarm for 6:30 and had actually woken up at 5:30, opened my eyes, and promptly gone back to sleep. I have been trying to wake up earlier because there are so many things I want to talk to Him about. I want to talk to Him, every minute, every hour... during this period of time, there are so many things to do and so many burdens and confusion in my heart. I need to talk to Him so much more then.

My greatest real need is to have Him in my life. Without Him in my life, I don't know what to do. Without Him, I feel completely lost and empty. Even when I wake up at 10, I can't miss spending time with Him. I need to be with Him, because without Him I'm not complete.

A "little miracle" happened in my friend's life recently. Last night we were studying together in the library, and she showed me a little piece of paper clipped in between her foolscap. On the front it said, "Worried?" and on the back it said, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Phil 4:6".

She asked me whether I'd written it and stuck it into her foolscap, and I said no. It didn't look like the handwriting of anyone else in our cell group either. So we said it must be a miracle. A little slip of a comforting verse fallen from somewhere unbeknownst to us, at a time when it was most needed.

I pray that she will accept Christ soon.

I have been cold recently. Cold of heart. When people share things with me, when I see people I love and have been praying for, I don't feel anything at all. When people tell me their deepest hurts, their struggles, when I see my friends around me struggling for their exams, it doesn't move me to pray desperately with tears for them.

I need more and more of His heart and less and less of myself. Don't let there be any more of myself in this life. Just let there be You...

Of Digestion and Chinese!

Bananas and milk are good for your digestion. Ever since I met Sunny, I've been eating two bananas a day and have been drinking a cup of milk every day, with the result that Cordelia, my toilet-mate (she shares a toilet with me in halls) is assaulted by a strange smell at least daily.

I've made an even more exciting discovery though. The greatest thing for your digestion is expired ice-cream. We gave out ice-cream to the Charles Morris people last Monday (Morrisons' soft scoop), and ate the leftover ice-cream after cell group yesterday. The ice cream had dissolved into a kind of foam which everybody hated, but I had quite a lot of it with the result that the toilet was very much used today.

I was talking to Alvin online and telling him about my plans to go to China to teach for a month in August (should I manage to get a place to do my Masters).

Bombom Chan says:
i haven't got a place for the china thing yet
Bombom Chan says:
waiting until everything confirmed
Alf says:
u applied for placement?
Bombom Chan says:
yeah....
Bombom Chan says:
teaching attachment in china
Alf says:
wow! teaching english?
Bombom Chan says:
i dont know...
Alf says:
that sould be very exciting! maybe by the time you come back, your chinese can trash all of us!Bombom Chan says:
whatever MOE makes me teach...
Bombom Chan says:
AHAHHAA...
Bombom Chan says:
are you making fun of me?? hahhahahhah
Alf says:
oh......
Bombom Chan says:
i dont think sooo la...
Bombom Chan says:
hehehhehee
Alf says:
i guess in a way, your chinese is quite fun to listen to..
Alf says:
i enjoy listening to it actually!
Bombom Chan says:
aiyah!!!!!
Bombom Chan says:
why leh?????????
Alf says:
nice accent...interesting to listen to.

These few days have been tiring, but I think the feeling of being busy still takes getting some used to. Today Daniel said that a preacher had said that "a person who is not busy is lazy" and I also heard Leonard Ravenhill say lately in "A Burning Heart" (it's linked beside) that anyone who is under 20 has no business being in bed after 4 o clock in the morning. Arghhhhhhh... When I do manage to get up at that time, I'll let all of you know!

These few days have also been thinking through alot of things, with the result that have decided that it's no use thinking so much, it's time to start DOING something!

Precious People

Am trying to fill in my Masters' approval forms for MOE now (very overdue) and in the midst of it decided to upload some pictures of the year for your viewing pleasure.



This first was taken at Charles Morris after we sang our songs for formal dinner near Christmas time. These are the people most precious to me, who have been such a HUGE source of encouragement and blessing.



This was taken at the encounter weekend where God turned my life around, the one which I wrote about a few months ago where I went with such expectation in my heart and He really did take all my burdens away. My life took a complete turn after that! Very precious precious people in this picture too. People who mean alot to me!



And lastly Katie and I at Christmas time. I miss you Katie! Whenever I listen to Somewhere over the Rainbow, I think of you. Satie makes me think of you too! Miss all the times in the library looking at... studying I mean.

Precious people God has put in my life. I'm so thankful for them!

Better go back to completing all the Masters' forms!

Thoughts

I always welcome criticism. I am always glad when people tell me how things can be improved, steps I can think about, suggestions. That's a kind of hurt that I can take and a kind of hurt that I welcome, because after that things can become better.

But there are kinds of hurts and doubts that are more difficult to take and more difficult to remove. I thought I had surrendered something to the Lord last week, but in reality I hadn't, because today it came back afresh with all the fresh hurt. This week I was telling Him that I only wanted Him, and thanking Him that amidst what He had taken away, He'd given me something better. But today I realised that I was still discontent, that I still had the longing within me for something else besides Him.

My friend's MSN nickname touched me last week It said, "I have so many felt needs, but I am going to meet my real need." Oh, although my heart is divided and discontent at times, I know that He is all I ever need.

Help me not to be so restless, poking around outside of your will.... Let me be so content with what you have given me, and only be dissatisfied with how little I know you.

Blessed beyond the curse!

Yesterday when I was working on the powerpoint slides for my dissertation Sunny called and we chatted for a while, and then she said, "Actually, I want to pass you something... I just called to make sure you were in. Can I come over?" So I said of course and in a few minutes she was there on my floor with a huge bunch of flowers - pink roses, purple carnations and violet baby's breaths and ferns. She stayed in my room and we chatted for a while and listened to music and played the keyboard with Cordelia.

How could I have complained earlier that I felt drained and tired? Because I am so blessed... so very very very blessed. Blessed... with hallmates I can get along with, blessed with Cordelia who furtively comes into my room through the toilet to wake me up o'mornings, blessed with Mewlin and our crazy schemes for movies and studying and cooking and spying...blessed with daisies white and small blooming along the path to the library, blessed with sunshine and love and warmth and friendship. Everytime I'm sad or tired, He brings some small thing into my life to cheer me up and I learn that I can lean on Him... confide in Him...

My kind of suffering can't be compared with Paul's. My kind of suffering would be like mosquito bites - no, ant bites - no... make that ameoba bites in comparison with his. But I can say with him now, "I'm pressed but not crushed... blessed beyond the curse, for His promise will endure, and His joy comes in the morning!"